Why Sexual Intimacy Fades in Long-Term Relationships (And What Actually Works to Bring It Back)
This article is based on insights from a recent interview with sex therapist Vanessa Marin, LMFT on the Shawn Ryan Show. She has over 20 years of clinical experience helping couples improve intimacy. Vanessa is a licensed psychotherapist, co-founder of Vanessa and Xander, and best-selling author of "Sex Talks: Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life." I've added my own clinical perspective using Relational Life Therapy principles throughout.
You remember those early days, right? When you couldn't keep your hands off each other. When the chemistry was so intense it felt almost ridiculous. When sex was easy, spontaneous, and everywhere.
And now? Now you're sitting on opposite ends of the couch in sweatpants, scrolling through your phones, wondering when you last had sex. Or maybe you can remember—it was three weeks ago, or two months ago—but you're not entirely sure one or both of you have even been missing it all that much.
If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. This pattern happens in nearly every long-term relationship. Yes, even the ones that look perfect on Instagram. Even the couples who are deeply in love and genuinely happy together. The shift from constant physical connection to "wait, when did we last have sex?" isn't a sign that something is fundamentally broken. It's actually completely normal.
But normal doesn't mean you have to accept it.
Working with individuals and couples in my Roseville practice and online throughout California and Texas, I've seen this pattern play out countless times. And what I've learned is that while the fade is predictable, it's also fixable—often faster than you might think. You just need to understand what's actually happening and be willing to try some approaches that might feel counterintuitive at first.
The Science Behind Why That Initial Spark Can't Last Forever
Vanessa explains a biological reality that many couples don't realize: the intense rush of early relationship chemistry has a built-in expiration date.
Research shows that the neurochemical high of new love—where you're constantly thinking about your partner, can't focus on anything else, feel almost addicted to their presence—typically lasts somewhere between six months to a year. As Vanessa describes it, "our bodies are not capable of sustaining that level of intensity for longer than 6 to 12 months...it's the equivalent of being high on cocaine essentially."
Your brain literally cannot maintain those elevated chemical levels indefinitely. It's physiologically impossible. So when that intensity naturally decreases, it doesn't mean something is wrong with you or your relationship. It means your body is returning to a sustainable baseline.
But that's only part of the story.
The Real Problem: We Stop Doing the Things That Created Connection
The biology explains why you can't maintain that initial high forever. But it doesn't explain why so many couples go from regular, satisfying intimacy to barely touching each other.
That part? That's on us. As Vanessa points out, we've absorbed a problematic cultural narrative about relationships.
Think about every romantic comedy or love story you've ever seen. The whole narrative arc is about getting together, overcoming obstacles, and then—boom—happily ever after. The credits roll. We never see what happens in year three when both people are exhausted from work, stressed about money, and can't remember the last time they had a conversation that wasn't about whose turn it is to take out the trash.
We internalize this story. Once we "lock it down"—once we're committed, moved in together, married, whatever—we think we've arrived. We stop doing the things that made us feel connected in the first place. We stop prioritizing each other. We let our partners slide further and further down the priority list until they're somewhere below work, kids, household chores, and Netflix.
And then we wonder why we feel like roommates instead of lovers.
The Stuff Nobody Wants to Talk About (But I Will)
I'm comfortable discussing the things that make most people squirm. Sex, obviously. But also the less sexy factors that kill desire faster than almost anything else.
Like how you treat your body.
If you're eating like crap, you're going to feel like crap. And when you feel like crap, you're not going to want to have sex. Your body feels bloated, uncomfortable, heavy. You don't feel attractive or energized or sexy. The desire just isn't there.
This isn't about achieving some impossible aesthetic standard. It's about the direct connection between how you care for yourself and how you show up in your intimate life. When you're stress-eating, skipping exercise, sleeping poorly, and generally treating your body as an afterthought, your sex drive suffers.
I see this pattern constantly. Someone is in a demanding job, managing impossible stress, and they start coping in ways that make everything worse. They gain weight. They feel uncomfortable in their own skin. They avoid intimacy because they don't feel good about themselves. The cycle deepens.
Your sex life can actually be an invitation to take better care of yourself. When you notice your desire dropping, it's worth asking: How am I treating my body right now? What needs to change?
Sex First: The Counterintuitive Strategy That Actually Works
Vanessa shares a strategy that sounds backwards but makes perfect sense when you think about it: flip the typical date night sequence.
Most couples plan dinner first, then hope for intimacy later. They go to a nice restaurant, eat a big meal, maybe have drinks, come home feeling full and tired, and then try to muster enthusiasm for sex. Spoiler: that rarely works. Nobody feels sexy when they're bloated and exhausted.
Her suggestion? Reverse the order. Be intimate first, then go to dinner.
Suddenly the whole dynamic changes. You've already connected physically. There's no pressure or wondering if it's going to happen later. Date night becomes playful and flirty instead of a negotiation. You have this shared secret between you that adds energy to the whole evening.
This one shift can transform how you approach planned time together.
The Vulnerability Nobody Acknowledges: Initiating Takes Real Courage
One of Vanessa's most important points is about initiation: we drastically underestimate how vulnerable it is to ask for sexual connection.
When you initiate, you're putting yourself out there. You're asking for something deeply personal. You're risking rejection. And rejection around sex stings in a way that few other rejections do—it feels personal, it cuts deep.
In many heterosexual relationships, men do most of the initiating. And because it's so vulnerable, many handle it by avoiding directness—they joke about it, they try to maintain plausible deniability. Vanessa gives the example of "the old boob honk"—coming up behind a partner and turning it into something that could be a joke if met with rejection.
It's clumsy. It’s intrusive. It's also completely understandable.
And from the other side, the partner being initiated with often misses what's really happening. They feel invaded on, the invitation feels annoying, and it's often bad timing. They don't recognize that underneath the awkward delivery, their partner is really asking: "I want to feel close to you right now. Will you connect with me?"
Both partners have responsibility here. For the one initiating, make the invitation inviting. For the one being initiated with, respond with warmth and care.
Why Both Partners Need to Initiate (Not Just the One with Higher Desire)
I don't care who has the higher sex drive in your relationship. Both people need to be willing to initiate.
It's not fair to put that vulnerability entirely on one person's shoulders. And when only one person ever initiates, it creates an unhealthy dynamic where one person is always the pursuer and the other is always the gatekeeper. That's not partnership. That's a recipe for resentment.
Both people need to be willing to be vulnerable. Both people need to communicate desire. Both people need to risk rejection.
Vanessa and her husband Xander developed a framework called "initiation styles" in their book "Sex Talks." The concept is similar to love languages—we all have different preferences for how we like to be approached for intimacy.
Some people prefer emotional connection first. They need to feel cared for as a whole person before they can shift into sexual mode. For them, an effective initiation might involve their partner taking something off their plate—handling bedtime with the kids, for instance—so they can relax and decompress before connecting physically.
Others respond better to playful, lighthearted approaches. They like flirtation, humor, and spontaneity. For them, making a silly bet or sending a playful text might work better than a serious, planned conversation.
The key is understanding what style resonates with you and your partner. When you initiate in a way that doesn't match their preferences, you're much more likely to get a no—not because they're uninterested in you, but because the approach doesn't land well for them.
Separating Initiation from the Actual Act
Vanessa recommends an approach that many couples find helpful: separate the initiation from the immediate act.
Instead of asking "Do you want to have sex right now?"—which can feel like a pop quiz that catches your partner off guard—try initiating earlier. Ask in the morning or afternoon: "Hey, would you be interested in connecting physically later tonight?" Or "I'm feeling like I'd really like to be close to you. Are you open to that this evening?"
This gives your partner time to shift gears mentally. They're not caught off guard. They can prepare themselves emotionally and get on board with the idea instead of giving a knee-jerk "no" because they weren't even thinking about sex in that moment.
Why Life Gets in the Way (And How to Stop Letting It)
We're all busy. Ridiculously busy. We have demanding jobs, kids' schedules, household management, finances, errands, obligations, and approximately seven thousand things on our to-do lists at any given moment.
It's very easy for your relationship to become just another thing you're managing together. You turn into business partners coordinating logistics instead of romantic partners who actually like each other.
Most couples I work with describe feeling like two ships passing in the night. They're tag-teaming responsibilities, making sure everything gets done, keeping all the balls in the air. But they're not connecting. They're not making space for each other. They're not prioritizing the relationship in any meaningful way.
And then they're surprised when the intimacy has evaporated.
If you want a different outcome, you have to make different choices. You have to actively create space for connection. You have to treat your relationship as something that requires tending, not something that will magically sustain itself while you focus on everything else.
Where Relational Life Therapy Comes In
This is where I bring in my own approach as a therapist trained in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).
What Vanessa describes about the fade in intimacy and the practical strategies to address it is absolutely accurate. But in my work with couples, I've found that sometimes the issue goes deeper than just practical changes or better communication about sex.
Using RLT principles, I help couples understand the relational dynamics that keep them stuck in disconnection. It's not just about scheduling sex or learning initiation styles (though those things help). It's about examining:
How you show up in the relationship when you're hurt or disconnected. Do you withdraw? Attack? Shut down? Understanding your patterns—and how they interact with your partner's patterns—is crucial.
Whether you're acting from your "adaptive self" or your "authentic self." When we feel vulnerable or scared, we often default to protective behaviors that actually push our partners away. Learning to show up authentically, even when it's uncomfortable, changes everything.
The ways you may be prioritizing individual empowerment over relational empowerment. Many people have learned to focus solely on their own needs and boundaries, which is important—but in relationships, we also need to consider how our actions impact connection. It's not one or the other; it's both.
How to practice relational integrity. This means behaving in ways you can feel proud of, approaching your partner in ways that make connection more likely, and being the change you want to see rather than waiting for your partner to go first.
When couples combine Vanessa's practical strategies for improving sexual intimacy with the deeper relational work of RLT, the changes happen faster and stick longer. You're not just learning techniques—you're fundamentally shifting how you relate to each other.
And sometimes, we need to go even deeper. That's where Brainspotting and Accelerated Resolution Therapy come in. These are neurobiological approaches that help process the underlying blocks to intimacy—past trauma, unresolved pain, deep-seated fears—that talk therapy alone can't always reach. These fast-working interventions get to the root of what's keeping you stuck and provide relief in ways that surprise most people.
What This Actually Looks Like in Real Life
The couples I work with who successfully rebuild their intimate connection aren't doing anything magical. They're being intentional. They're making different choices.
They're implementing Vanessa's practical strategies: having conversations about sex that feel awkward at first but get easier over time, being honest about what they want and need, trying new approaches to initiation, rethinking the timing of intimacy around date nights, and understanding each other's initiation preferences.
And they're doing the deeper relational work: showing up authentically even when it's scary, practicing relational integrity, addressing the ways they've been prioritizing everything else over connection, and examining the patterns that keep them stuck.
When you combine both approaches—the practical sex therapy strategies with the deeper relational work—things shift faster than most people expect.
And they're doing this with guidance that gets to the root of the issue quickly. Using Relational Life Therapy, Accelerated Resolution Therapy, and Brainspotting, I help individuals and couples move past surface-level changes and address what's actually driving the disconnection. These are fast-working interventions designed to provide relief beyond what talk therapy alone can do.
The work is practical and down to earth. During our in-depth intake process, we establish baseline understanding so we can track your progress over time. Then we meet weekly or every other week, tailoring treatment to your specific needs and making sure we're meeting your goals.
The Bottom Line: This Is Fixable (Probably Faster Than You Think)
If your intimate life has faded, you're not broken. Your relationship isn't doomed. You haven't chosen the wrong person.
You've just hit a predictable pattern that happens to nearly everyone—and you haven't yet learned the skills to move through it.
The good news? These are learnable skills. The conversations get easier. The vulnerability becomes less terrifying. The connection can absolutely be rebuilt.
You need honesty. You need willingness to try things that might feel uncomfortable at first. You need both people showing up and taking responsibility for the intimacy you want to create.
But mostly, you need to stop waiting for desire to magically reappear and start actively rebuilding it.
Ready to Rebuild the Connection You've Been Missing?
I work with individuals and couples who want real, lasting change in their intimate lives. My practice is based in Roseville, California with in-person sessions available, and I also offer online therapy throughout California and Texas for those who prefer the convenience and privacy of virtual sessions.
I'm committed to showing up authentically in this work. I'll be honest about what I see, bold when necessary, and always validating of your experiences. I'm also comfortable with the topics that make most people uncomfortable—sex, obviously, but also money, gender roles, power dynamics, and whatever else needs to be discussed. And yes, I can handle humor and lightness too, because despite the serious nature of this work, there's often joy in the journey of rediscovering each other.
During your intake session, we'll do an in-depth assessment that allows us to track your progress over time. From there, we'll meet weekly or biweekly depending on your needs, with treatment tailored specifically to your situation. I don't believe in one-size-fits-all approaches. Your relationship is unique, and the work needs to reflect that.
For insurance, I offer superbills that you can submit to your insurance company for potential reimbursement using your out-of-network benefits.
If you're ready to stop letting life get in the way of the connection you want, let's talk. You can reach out through my website to schedule a consultation and get information about scheduling and next steps.
The intimacy you remember from early in your relationship? It's not gone forever. It's just waiting for you to make space for it again.
About the Research & Resources
Vanessa Marin, LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist with over 20 years of clinical experience specializing in sex therapy. She is the co-founder of Vanessa and Xander (with her husband) and the best-selling author of "Sex Talks: Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life." The core concepts about sexual desire, initiation styles, brain chemistry, and practical intimacy strategies discussed in this post come from her extensive clinical work and research. Learn more about her work at vanessaandxander.com, find her book "Sex Talks" wherever books are sold, or search for her podcast appearances where she shares practical relationship advice.
Audrey Schoen, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in working with individuals, couples, entrepreneurs, and law enforcement spouses who are ready to stop surviving and start actually living. She helps clients move through anxiety, trauma, burnout, relationship stress, and the invisible weight of high responsibility with practical tools and deep emotional work.
Audrey practices in Roseville, CA and provides online therapy throughout California and Texas. If you’re ready for real change, not just more coping, you can schedule a consultation to see if working together feels like the right fit.