What It Actually Means to Be a Man: Healthy Masculinity, Relational Skills, and Why Stoicism Isn't the Answer
This post is based on a conversation between therapist and best-selling author Terry Real and neuroscientist Andrew Huberman on the Huberman Lab podcast, titled "Defining Healthy Masculinity and How to Build It." Terry Real is one of the foremost experts on male psychology and relational dynamics, and the founder of Relational Life Therapy — the framework that anchors my work with individuals and couples. I've added my own clinical perspective throughout.
You've probably heard it said that men don't talk about their feelings. And honestly, that's not wrong, but it's also not the whole picture. In my experience working with men in therapy, the more accurate version is this: most men were never taught how to talk about their feelings. Or why it would even matter. Or what they'd do with that information once they had it.
That's a very different problem. And it's a solvable one.
Terry Real's conversation with Andrew Huberman covers a lot of ground: masculinity, loneliness, self-esteem, addiction, relationships, fatherhood. It's nearly three hours long, and most of it lands. As someone who has built my practice around Relational Life Therapy, his framework, a lot of what he shares maps directly onto what I see with clients every week. So I want to walk through the biggest ideas, add some clinical context, and point to where the rubber actually meets the road.
Many Men Are in a Genuine Identity Crisis
Terry Real opens with something disarmingly plain:
"What's going on is that the old role has shifted. The sand has shifted under our feet. And we're trying to figure out what the hell we are."
That's it. That's the whole crisis in two sentences.
Rates of depression and suicide among men are at all-time highs. Fewer men are in romantic relationships, and many don't have a single close friend. We're watching an identity implosion happen in slow motion. The old template — provider, stoic, unshakeable — doesn't fit the reality of modern relationships or modern life. But nothing has stepped in clearly to replace it.
The biggest response to that confusion, Real says, has been regressive: "There's been a resurgence in our country and around the globe of almost a celebration of some of the most difficult, unattractive aspects of traditional masculinity."
Power. Dominance. Entitlement. Repackaged as authenticity or freedom.
But as Real says plainly, and as I'd agree from the clinical side: regressive masculinity might feel like relief, but it doesn't produce a happy human being. Or a functional relationship.
What men actually need are models of progressive masculinity and right now, those models are genuinely rare.
The Real Problem with Stoicism
Real is direct about what traditional masculinity is actually built on: "The essence of being a man is being invulnerable. The more invulnerable you are, the more manly you are. The more vulnerable you are, the more girly you are, to this day."
The problem? We are vulnerable. As human beings, denying our vulnerability is a lie. And the result is chronic anxiety, depression, and a state of constant "do I measure up?" to a standard that isn't real.
Real's line on this is one I reference constantly: "Trying to run away from your own vulnerability is like trying to outrun your rectum. It has a way of following you everywhere you go."
He's not wrong. And I say this to clients in more clinical language, but the point is the same: you cannot armor your way out of being human.
The way boys are traditionally turned into men in this culture is through disconnection. Disconnection from feelings, from vulnerability, from other people, and especially from the mother, in what gets framed as becoming autonomous. That "autonomous" man then walks into an adult relationship, and into a partner who wants emotional intimacy, having been systematically trained to shut down the very capacities connection requires.
In RLT, we call the coping strategies developed in response to those early environments the Adaptive Child. Stoicism is one of them. It made sense once. It kept you safe when vulnerability wasn't safe. But when it becomes a fixed identity rather than a situational response, it starts costing people the relationships they actually want.
Psychological Patriarchy: This Isn't Just a Women's Issue
One of the concepts Real talks about that I think gets glossed over is his distinction between political patriarchy and psychological patriarchy.
Political patriarchy refers to men's structural power over women globally. Psychological patriarchy is different. It's the dynamics of dominance and control, and Real notes it can occur between two men, two women, a mother and a child, two races. It's not about gender. It's about the psychology of one-up and one-down.
And that psychology, Real argues, is a straitjacket that's toxic for everyone, including men. The man who must remain dominant, in control, and emotionally sealed off isn't living a full life. He's managing a performance. And that performance is exhausting, isolating, and, when it eventually cracks, usually pretty devastating to the people around him.
What Real calls "progressive masculinity" involves being big-hearted, strong, connected, and giving. That's it. Strong and open. Confident and accountable. It's not a contradiction. It's just a higher standard than the one most men were handed.
Relationality Is a Skill, Which Means It Can Be Learned
This is the part of Real's work I find most clinically useful, and the piece I return to most often with clients: struggling relationally doesn't mean you're broken. It usually means you were never taught this.
Real frames relationality — the capacity for genuine connection, emotional fluency, and mutual care — as a skill, not a personality trait. Skills can be practiced. Skills can be developed. Skills can be learned at 35, at 52, at 67.
That reframe matters enormously in therapy. When I work with men, or withcouples where one partner is struggling to connect, one of the first things I offer is exactly that: this isn't a character defect. It's a gap in training. Let's fill it.
Real offers several practical tools in the conversation worth knowing:
Ask "What do you need from me right now?"
When a partner is upset, this question shifts the dynamic almost immediately, from defensiveness and damage control, to genuine care and presence. It communicates: I'm here. I'm not trying to win. I'm trying to help.
Responsible Distance-Taking.
When conflict escalates, taking space is sometimes the right move but it has to be done responsibly. That means communicating you need a break, explaining why, and committing to return to the conversation. Disappearing without any of that just triggers an abandonment response in your partner and makes things significantly worse when you eventually resurface.
The Feedback Wheel.
Rather than launching criticism, Real advocates for a structured approach to sharing your experience; one that separates observation from interpretation, and feeling from demand. In RLT, we call this responsible honesty. It's the ability to speak your truth clearly without weaponizing it. This one takes practice, but it changes everything about how conflict unfolds.
Relational Mindfulness.
This is the practice of noticing, in real time, when the Adaptive Child has taken the wheel and making a conscious choice to respond from what Real calls the Wise Adult instead. The Wise Adult is the part of you that can stay present under pressure, take accountability without collapsing into shame, and remain connected even when it's uncomfortable.
I pair this framework with Brainspotting and Accelerated Resolution Therapy in my work because insight alone rarely creates lasting change. Understanding your patterns is a starting point. Actually shifting the way they're stored in your body and nervous system is what produces the kind of change that holds.
Self-Esteem, Accountability, and Why Most Men Are Stuck in One of Two Bad Places
Real's definition of healthy self-esteem is worth sitting with: "the capacity to feel proportionally bad about bad behavior while still holding oneself in warm regard as an imperfect person."
That is a narrow target. And most men I work with struggle with it.
They tend to land in one of two places: minimizing (no real accountability) or collapsing into shame (too much). Both responses are protective. Both prevent growth.
Minimizing says: "I didn't really do anything wrong."
Shame says: "I'm so bad I can't face it." Neither leads to repair.
Genuine accountability requires a stable enough sense of self that you can actually tolerate seeing your own impact on another person. If your self-worth is so fragile that any criticism threatens to destroy it, you'll spend most of your relational energy defending yourself, which leaves no room for your partner to actually feel heard.
Real's advice when you've made a mistake is essentially this: fire the inner critic. When you screw up, the question is "What can I learn from this? How can I do better next time?" Not self-flagellation. Not minimization. Just honest, grounded accountability from a person who knows their own worth.
Male Loneliness Is Serious and Intensity Is Not a Substitute for Intimacy
A significant portion of the conversation addresses something that doesn't get nearly enough attention: the epidemic of male loneliness. Many men don't have a single close friend. And when the emotional load of an entire life gets placed entirely on a romantic partner, the relationship tends to buckle under the weight of it.
Real is direct about the stopgap measures men use to manage this: "A lot of us substitute intensity for intimacy, and the internet sells intensity. That's the algorithm." The scroll, the short-form content, the pornography. These are all selling stimulation that mimics aliveness without requiring actual connection.
As Real puts it: "Intimacy is better. Gratification is fine. But intimacy is better. It's a deeper satisfaction."
Intimacy is slower. It requires presence, tolerance of discomfort, and a willingness to be known, including the parts you're not entirely proud of. That's why it's hard. And that's also why it's worth it.
Real emphasizes the importance of male community; not just a romantic partner carrying the entire relational load, but a network of male friendships built on honesty, trust, and real accountability. He also points to the role of older men mentoring younger ones as essential infrastructure that's largely missing right now.
What This Means If You're in a Relationship
Real's core argument about relationships is this: men don't need to abandon strength, they need to expand it. Relational strength isn't about dominance or emotional invulnerability. It's about skill: knowing how to stay present under pressure, how to repair after conflict, and how to keep showing up.
For women reading this: the frustration you feel about emotional unavailability in your partner is valid. It's also worth understanding that the walls you're running into weren't built to keep you out. They were built a long time ago, for reasons that made sense in a different context. That doesn't mean they get to stay up forever, but understanding how they got there tends to be more useful than treating them as a personal affront.
For men: the relational skills you weren't taught are learnable. The version of you that is both strong and open, both confident and accountable; that's not a contradiction. It's actually just a more complete version of who you already are.
The Bottom Line
The conversation between Terry Real and Andrew Huberman is worth your time — all three hours of it. It's rare for something this clinically substantive to land in a mainstream format, and Real doesn't water it down.
But here's what I'll always come back to: information isn't change. You can absorb everything in this post, nod along to every idea, understand the concepts clearly, and still find yourself in the same patterns the next time things get hard with your partner. The gap between knowing and doing is exactly where therapy lives. And it's a gap worth closing.
A Note from Me
I work withindividuals,couples, and high-performing professionals in Roseville, CA (in-person) and throughout California and Texas (online). And what I see consistently is that the men who are struggling most relationally aren't bad people. They're often genuinely capable, successful people in nearly every other area of their lives and this one area got left out of their development.
What I do is get to the root of that quickly. UsingRelational Life Therapy,Accelerated Resolution Therapy, andBrainspotting, the work isn't just insight, it's actual change at the level where these patterns are stored. That produces results faster than traditional talk therapy alone, which matters when you've already spent years knowing something needs to shift.
I also believe in showing up honestly. I'll tell you when you're off track. I'll sit with the uncomfortable stuff without flinching. And I'll never ask you to go somewhere I haven't been willing to go myself.
If this is resonating, reach out. A consultation is a low-stakes first step to see if we'd be a good fit. Superbills are available for out-of-network reimbursement.
SIGN UP TO MY NEWSLETTER AND GET THE
Plus, you'll get relationship tips, book & podcast recommendations, occasional updates, and more.
You can expect to receive about 1-4 emails per month.❤️