Why Most Couples Get Repair Wrong (And How to Actually Fix What's Broken)

If you've ever tried to "fix" a fight with your partner and somehow ended up in an even bigger argument, you're not alone. Most of us think we know how to apologize or make things right after a conflict, but the truth is, very few of us were actually taught how to do this effectively.

I work with couples every day who are stuck in the same painful cycles. One person tries to explain their side. The other defends themselves. Both feel unheard. Nobody feels better. And the same fight happens again next week, just with different details.

The problem isn't that you don't care about each other. The problem is that most of what we think of as "repairing" is actually just two people trying to prove they're right while hoping the other person will finally understand.

Relational Life Therapy offers a completely different approach to repair—one that actually works to restore connection instead of creating more distance. And once you understand how it works, everything changes.

What Makes Repair So Critical in Relationships

Conflict is inevitable. You know this. I know this. Every couple on the planet knows this. But what separates thriving relationships from struggling ones isn't the absence of conflict—it's what happens after the conflict.

Repair is the bridge back to connection. It's how you say, "We got disconnected, and I want to reconnect with you." Without effective repair, resentment builds. Trust erodes. And those small disconnections compound into serious relationship damage over time.

Most couples wait too long to repair. They let things fester. They avoid bringing it up because they don't want to start another fight. Or they try to repair, but they do it in a way that makes things worse. Sound familiar?

When repair is done well, it doesn't just resolve the current issue—it actually strengthens your relationship. It builds trust. It creates safety. It shows your partner that even when things get hard, you're committed to finding your way back to each other.

That's why learning how to repair effectively is one of the most important skills you can develop as a partner.

How Relational Life Therapy Approaches Repair Differently

Most traditional couples therapy approaches treat repair as a two-way conversation. Both people share their perspective. Each person validates the other. You work toward mutual understanding and compromise.

It sounds reasonable, right? But in practice, it often falls apart.

Relational Life Therapy takes a radically different approach: repair is a one-way street.

Not a dialogue. Not a mutual exchange. Not a "we both need to understand each other" moment.

One person is hurting. One person is the occasion for that hurt (intentionally or not). And in order to get back into connection, there has to be repair—period. No buts, no "yeah but you also," no defending yourself.

This isn't about blame. It's about understanding that in the moment of repair, your job is singular: to help your partner feel better. To reconnect. To show them that their pain matters more to you than being right.

And contrary to what your ego might tell you, this is actually in your best interest.

Why? Because you love this person. Because you have to live with them. Because you want a relationship where both people feel seen, valued, and safe. And right now, your partner is in pain—and you have the power to help heal that pain or make it worse.

When you choose repair, you're choosing the relationship. You're choosing connection over being right. And that choice, repeated over time, creates a relationship where both people feel truly loved.

The Two Reference Points That Sabotage Your Repair Attempts

When your partner comes to you in pain—upset, hurt, or angry about something you did—most of us automatically operate from one of two reference points. And both of them completely sabotage repair.

Reference Point #1: Objective Reality (Your Version of "What Really Happened")

This is when you're focused on what's "correct" according to you. What you actually said. What you actually meant. What really happened, at least from your perspective.

You're already rebutting in your head. Or out loud. You're thinking about all the ways their interpretation is wrong or unfair. You're preparing your defense.

"That's not what I said."

"You're taking that the wrong way."

"I didn't mean it like that."

"You're being too sensitive."

Even if you don't say these things out loud, if you're thinking them, you're not actually listening. You're just waiting for your turn to correct the record.

This is a losing strategy. Full stop.

Reference Point #2: Yourself (How This Affects You)

This is when you make their pain about you.

"How dare you accuse me of that."

"What a pain. Not this again."

"I can't believe we're fighting about this."

"Why are you always so upset with me?"

You're focused on how annoying this is, how unfair their reaction feels, how tired you are of dealing with this. Your internal monologue sounds something like, "Oh my god, here we go again."

Again, this completely blocks repair. Because when your focus is on your own discomfort with their pain, you can't actually show up for them.

The Game-Changing Shift: Trading Reference Points for Compassionate Curiosity

When your partner is in pain—when they're coming to you hurt, angry, or disconnected—you need to do something that probably goes against every instinct you have.

You need to put objective reality aside.

You need to put yourself aside.

And you need to trade both of those reference points for something completely different: compassionate curiosity about your partner's subjective experience.

This means that in this moment, it doesn't matter what you meant. It doesn't matter what you intended. It doesn't even matter what actually happened.

What matters is how your partner feels. What their experience was. What it was like to be on the receiving end of whatever happened.

This isn't about admitting you're a terrible person. It's not about taking responsibility for things you didn't do. It's about recognizing that your partner is hurting, and in this moment, your job is to care about that hurt: to get curious about it, to understand it, to help them feel less alone in it.

What Empathic Curiosity Actually Looks and Sounds Like

Empathic curiosity is a practice. It's a way of showing up when your partner is in pain that prioritizes their experience over your need to defend, explain, or be understood.

It sounds like this:

"Honey, I'm sorry you feel bad. I love you. I don't want you to feel bad. Tell me more about it."

"I can understand why you might feel that way."

"Is there anything I can say or do right now that can help you feel better?"

Notice what's not in these statements. No "but." No "actually." No "you're misunderstanding me." No defense. No explanation.

Just open-hearted attention to their pain.

You're putting your ego at the door. You're opening your heart and your arms to your partner's experience. You're saying, "I want to understand. I want to help."

This is what it means to become a reflective and empathic partner.

You reflect back what you're hearing: "So what I'm hearing is that when I said that, it felt dismissive to you. Is that right?"

You validate their experience: "That makes sense. I can see why that would hurt."

You take responsibility for your impact, regardless of your intent: "I didn't mean to hurt you, but I did, and I'm sorry."

And you ask what they need: "What do you need from me right now?"

Why Most of Us Don't Know How to Do This

If this feels foreign or awkward to you, that's completely normal. Most of us were never taught how to repair.

Think about what you witnessed growing up. How did the adults in your life handle conflict? Did they apologize? Did they sweep things under the rug? Did they yell and then pretend nothing happened? Did they give each other the silent treatment?

For many of us, repair wasn't modeled at all. Or it was modeled poorly. We learned to defend ourselves, to avoid conflict, to minimize hurt feelings, to change the subject. We learned that being "right" mattered more than being connected.

Nobody sat us down and taught us how to put our ego aside, get curious about someone else's pain, and prioritize reconnection over being understood.

So you're learning a new skill. One that probably feels unnatural at first. One that might trigger every defensive instinct you have. That's okay. That's part of the process.

The fact that it feels hard doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It means you're doing something you've never been taught to do. And like any new skill, it gets easier with practice.

When Years of Hurt Require a Longer Repair Process

What if the disconnection isn't just about one fight? What if it's been months or years of dismissal, defensiveness, and distance?

In those cases, one attempt at empathic curiosity isn't going to cut it.

If your relationship has been stuck in patterns of hurt for a long time, there may need to be a period of repair that takes weeks or months. A sustained practice of open-hearted empathic curiosity. A consistent showing up that says, "I'm here. I'm listening. Your pain matters to me."

This isn't about groveling. It's not about endless apologies. It's about rebuilding trust through consistent, compassionate presence.

Trust is rebuilt slowly. Through repeated experiences of, "When I'm hurt, my partner shows up for me. When I share my pain, they don't dismiss it or defend themselves. They care."

I work with couples regularly who are in this rebuilding phase. And I'll be honest, it requires patience. It requires humility. It requires a willingness to keep showing up, even when it feels like progress is slow.

But it works. When one partner, or better yet, both partners, commits to this kind of sustained repair, relationships can heal even after years of damage.

A Quick Note for the Hurt Partner: Share Pain, Don't Attack

Repair requires two things: one partner showing up with empathic curiosity, and one partner sharing their pain in a way that can actually be heard.

If you're the hurt partner, this is not permission to offend from the victim position. This is not your moment to attack, criticize, or demean your partner.

This is the moment you share the pain. The impact. The emotions.

You don't say, "You're such a jerk. You always do this. You never think about anyone but yourself."

Instead, you take a breath. You connect to the emotions underneath the anger. And you share your experience. (And if you need to pause before you can do this effectively, taking a strategic time out can help you get grounded first.)

"When you said that, I felt dismissed. I made up that my feelings didn't matter to you."

"I felt scared that it seemed to me you didn't care about how much that hurt me."

"Right or wrong, I felt alone. Like I was dealing with this by myself."

In Relational Life Therapy, we use something called the feedback wheel to help couples communicate cleanly. You share what happened, how it made you feel, and what you need without character assassination or blame.

Your partner can't repair with you if you're attacking them. They'll just get defensive. And you'll both end up right back in the same fight.

But when you share your actual pain—when you let them see the vulnerable hurt underneath the anger—that's when repair becomes possible.

Why This Matters for Your Relationship Long-Term

Learning to repair this way changes everything.

When both partners know how to repair effectively, conflict stops being something to fear. It becomes something you can move through together. You start to trust that even when things get hard, you'll find your way back to each other.

That trust creates safety. And safety creates the conditions for intimacy, vulnerability, and real connection.

In my work with couples, I use Relational Life Therapy alongside other fast-working interventions like Brainspotting and Accelerated Resolution Therapy. These approaches get to the root of what's keeping you disconnected—the past hurts, the defensive patterns, the old wounds that get triggered in your current relationship.

But no matter how much insight you gain or how much healing work you do individually, you still need to know how to apply that work in your relationship. You need to know how to show up for each other when things get hard.

That's what effective repair gives you. The ability to take everything you're learning and use it to create real, lasting change in your relationship.

Getting Started with Better Repair

If you're reading this and thinking, "This sounds great in theory, but I have no idea how to actually do this with my partner," you're not alone.

Changing how you handle conflict and repair isn't something you can usually figure out on your own. It requires practice, feedback, and often, professional guidance.

In my practice, I work with couples to identify their specific patterns, understand what's driving those patterns, and learn new ways of showing up for each other. We work on repair skills, communication tools, and the deeper healing work that makes lasting change possible.

Whether you're in Roseville, California, and want to meet in person, or you're anywhere else in California or Texas and prefer online sessions, I'm here to help.

If you're tired of the same fights, the same patterns, the same disconnection—and you're ready to learn how to actually repair what's broken—reach out. You can schedule a free consultation to see if we're a good fit.

Because the truth is, your relationship doesn't have to stay stuck. With the right tools and support, you can learn to repair effectively, reconnect deeply, and build the relationship you actually want.