Breaking Free from Relationship Patterns: Your Guide to Relational Life Therapy California

If you're an anxious overachiever who's tired of the constant internal chaos and relationship frustration, you're not alone. Many high-functioning individuals find themselves stuck in patterns that leave them feeling disconnected from their partners despite desperately wanting deeper, meaningful connections. Relational life therapy offers a direct, results-oriented approach to breaking these cycles and building the authentic relationships you truly desire.

I am Audrey Schoen, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Master ART Practitioner specializing in relational life therapy, I help anxious overachievers and couples in Roseville, California, and online throughout California and Texas move beyond surface-level communication issues to address the deeper unconscious processes that keep relationships stuck. My extensive training in multiple therapeutic modalities allows me to provide comprehensive, in-depth care that creates lasting transformation.

Understanding Relational Life Therapy: More Than Traditional Talk Therapy

Relational life therapy, developed by Terry Real and taught through the Relational Life Institute, represents a significant departure from traditional couples counseling and individual therapy. Rather than maintaining neutrality while couples repeat the same destructive patterns, this approach takes a direct, action-oriented method that challenges harmful behaviors and teaches practical conflict resolution skills for lasting change.

This therapeutic approach recognizes that many relationship issues stem from unconscious patterns learned in childhood—what we call "Adaptive Child" responses. These survival strategies once protected you but now create the very disconnection you're trying to prevent. A skilled therapist using relational life therapy helps you shift from these automatic reactions to conscious "Wise Adult" responses, transforming how you relate to yourself and others.

The core philosophy centers on "fierce intimacy"—relationships built on honest communication, personal accountability, and loving confrontation. Unlike approaches that focus primarily on understanding feelings, this method emphasizes changing behaviors and building practical skills that create immediate, noticeable improvements in relationship quality and create a strong foundation for lasting connection.

The Three-Phase RLT Process: A Roadmap to Relationship Transformation

My approach to relational life therapy follows a structured three-phase process that ensures comprehensive healing and lasting change. This systematic method addresses both the surface patterns and the deeper roots of relationship dysfunction, providing clients with a better understanding of their dynamics while building essential skills for growth.

Phase 1: Assessment and Pattern Recognition

The initial phase focuses on gathering crucial data about your relationship's conflict patterns. During this in-depth assessment period, we identify and outline your specific "dance"—the repetitive cycle that keeps you trapped in conflict and disconnection. We examine each partner's behaviors and stances to understand how both contribute to escalation.

This isn't about assigning equal blame. Sometimes the contribution isn't 50-50, and as your therapist, I take sides when necessary to protect the relationship's health. The primary goal is ensuring both partners clearly see and understand the destructive pattern while building self-esteem and accountability.

We also establish concrete goals during this phase. What would success look like for your relationship? What would you be experiencing that you're missing now? I work actively to amplify both the negative consequences of maintaining current patterns and the positive outcomes possible when change occurs. This creates buy-in and commitment, particularly important when working with a resistant partner.

Clients typically leave Phase 1 feeling truly understood and motivated to change. I also introduce essential ground rules and preliminary skills, including effective conflict resolution techniques, boundary education, and de-escalation strategies. Partners are asked to listen to Terry Real's book "Fierce Intimacy" to deepen their understanding of the principles that guide our work together.

Phase 2: Trauma Work and Family of Origin Healing

Phase 2 addresses the past experiences and relational trauma that prevent change even when you consciously want it. This is where we explore your adaptive responses to childhood experiences and how those survival strategies, while protective then, now sabotage your adult relationships and create barriers to meaningful connections.

We make clear, direct connections between your family of origin experiences and current relationship conflict patterns. This isn't exploration for its own sake—every insight directly connects to changing present-day dynamics. The trauma work is concentrated and purposeful, not a lengthy examination of the past. Clients interested in deeper healing often find this phase particularly transformative.

Using approaches like Accelerated Resolution Therapy and Brainspotting, we efficiently process painful experiences that fuel emotional reactivity. These neurobiological interventions create rapid shifts, allowing you to respond from your Wise Adult rather than your triggered Adaptive Child. This comprehensive training in trauma-informed care ensures that both individual therapy and couples therapy sessions address the full scope of your healing needs.

For clients who have struggled with substance dependence or other addictive behaviors, this phase provides essential support for understanding how past trauma contributes to these challenges while building healthier coping strategies.

Phase 3: Skill Building and Integration

Phase 3 focuses on teaching concrete relationship skills and addressing barriers to using them effectively. When couples hit roadblocks in implementing new behaviors, we directly address these obstacles rather than simply repeating instructions. This is where passion for change truly develops as clients see real progress in their daily interactions.

This phase emphasizes practical tools like the feedback wheel—a structured communication process that allows one partner to bring up an issue and provide their partner with a pathway to repair. Unlike other therapeutic approaches that focus on mutual dialogue, the feedback wheel is specifically designed as a one-way process where the speaking partner shares their experience while the listening partner focuses solely on understanding and offering repair.

Phases 2 and 3 often occur simultaneously, with trauma work making skill implementation possible and skill practice revealing areas needing deeper healing. Clients develop a strong sense of confidence as they master these new approaches to connection and intimacy.

Who Benefits Most from Relational Life Therapy

Relational life therapy is particularly effective for individuals and couples who recognize their patterns but feel stuck despite their efforts to change. If you're someone who's tried self-help approaches or even previous therapy without lasting results, this direct method may provide the breakthrough you've been seeking.

Individual Clients Who Thrive with RLT

My ideal individual clients are anxious overachievers who struggle with perfectionism and people-pleasing. You might describe yourself as someone who doesn't like emotions yet feels overwhelmed by emotional reactivity. You seek connection but struggle to allow yourself to have it, often staying busy to avoid dealing with deeper issues. Many are interested in approaches that combine practical skill-building with deeper emotional healing.

Common individual therapy concerns that respond well to this approach include:

Perfectionism and Self-Criticism: Learning to recognize shame-based thinking patterns and develop self-compassion without abandoning high standards, creating a better understanding of your internal dialogue.

People-Pleasing and Boundary Issues: Developing the skills to honor your own needs while maintaining important relationships, building self-esteem and authentic expression.

Anxiety in Relationships: Understanding how past experiences create present-day reactivity and learning to stay grounded during emotional intensity, often incorporating elements of acceptance and commitment therapy principles.

Repeated Relationship Patterns: Breaking cycles that leave you feeling unheard, unseen, or chronically frustrated in intimate relationships while building skills for deeper connection.

Money Anxiety and Avoidance: Addressing the emotional and relational aspects of financial stress and decision-making through specialized financial therapy approaches.

Imposter Syndrome: Working with the internal narratives that undermine confidence and authentic self-expression, helping you navigate life transitions with greater confidence.

Couples Ready for Transformation

Couples who benefit most from relational life therapy are experiencing what they often describe as "communication breakdowns." You might think that if you could just communicate better, everything would improve. However, what's really happening is that unconscious processes and internal narratives interfere with genuine connection.

Effective couples therapy requires a minimum commitment to the process. I recommend 80-minute sessions, often scheduled every two weeks, with an initial three-month commitment to both in-session and out-of-session work. This timeframe allows us to evaluate progress and determine whether we're on the right track.

Common marriage and relationship issues that respond well to this approach include:

Chronic Communication Issues: Moving beyond surface-level disagreements to address the underlying dynamics that create misunderstanding and build better conflict resolution skills.

Emotional Distance and Withdrawal: Bridging the gap when intimacy has eroded and partners have retreated into protective shells, creating space for meaningful connections to flourish.

Recurring Arguments: Breaking cycles where the same conflicts create repeated discord without resolution, teaching couples how to navigate disagreements constructively.

Trust and Repair Issues: Addressing betrayals or accumulated hurts that have damaged the relationship's strong foundation through structured repair processes.

Reactivity and Escalation: Learning to interrupt cycles where small disagreements become major conflicts, building skills for emotional regulation and thoughtful response.

Specialized Services and Populations

Beyond traditional individual therapy and couples therapy, my practice includes specialized counseling services for specific populations and intensive formats for accelerated progress. My comprehensive training allows me to serve as both therapist and coach depending on client needs.

Entrepreneurs and High Achievers

Entrepreneurs face unique relationship challenges stemming from the demands of building and running businesses. The same drive and perfectionism that fuel professional success often create relationship difficulties. As both a therapist and business coach, I understand the entrepreneurial mindset and help business owners navigate the intersection of personal and professional pressures while building meaningful connections in both spheres.

Law Enforcement Officer Spouses

LEO spouses face distinctive stressors that impact relationship dynamics. The unpredictable schedules, safety concerns, and emotional demands of law enforcement work create specific patterns that benefit from targeted intervention. My work with LEO spouses addresses these unique challenges while building resilience and connection, helping them navigate the complex emotions and relationship issues that arise in this demanding lifestyle.

Financial Therapy Integration

Money issues often reflect deeper relational dynamics rather than simple budgeting problems. Financial therapy examines how your emotional relationship with money impacts your intimate relationships. Whether you're dealing with financial anxiety, avoidance patterns, or money-related conflicts, this specialized approach addresses both practical and emotional aspects of financial stress while building conflict resolution skills around money matters.

Intensive Sessions and Retreats

For couples seeking accelerated progress, I offer intensive sessions and retreat formats. These extended sessions allow for deeper immersion in the work, often creating breakthroughs that might take months to achieve in traditional weekly therapy. Couples interested in rapid transformation find these in-depth experiences particularly valuable.

Couples retreats provide an immersive environment where partners can focus exclusively on their relationship without daily life distractions. These intensive formats are particularly beneficial for couples dealing with significant trust issues, major life transitions, or those who want to make substantial progress quickly while building a strong foundation for ongoing growth.

The Comprehensive Intake Process: Setting the Foundation for Success

Effective therapy begins with thorough assessment. My comprehensive intake process includes detailed questionnaires and standardized measures that help gauge baseline functioning and inform treatment planning. This isn't just paperwork—these assessments provide crucial data that guides our work together and helps track your progress over time.

During the first session, I focus on understanding you as a complete person, including your background, contributing factors to current struggles, and the systems you exist within—family, work, culture, and community. We establish clear goals and create a collaborative treatment plan moving forward, ensuring you feel heard and understood from the very beginning.

I may recommend additional support services to enhance our work together. This holistic approach recognizes that lasting change often requires addressing multiple aspects of your life simultaneously. Whether you're interested in individual therapy, couples counseling, or intensive formats, we create a personalized approach that fits your specific needs and goals.

For clients seeking specific interventions like trauma processing or phobia treatment, we may begin with targeted approaches like Accelerated Resolution Therapy immediately rather than starting with traditional talk therapy. This flexibility ensures that each person receives exactly the type of support they need.

Integration with Neurobiological Approaches

While relational life therapy provides the relational framework, I integrate powerful neurobiological interventions to address the trauma and reactivity that often underlie relationship struggles. This comprehensive approach treats both the relational patterns and the internal experiences that fuel them, creating deeper healing and more sustainable change.

Accelerated Resolution Therapy

As a Certified Master ART Practitioner with extensive training in this evidence-based approach, I use ART to rapidly process traumatic experiences and painful memories that contribute to relationship reactivity. ART often creates significant shifts in just a few sessions, allowing relational life therapy principles to take deeper root and creating a sense of peace that many clients haven't experienced in years.

Many clients experience what feels like constant internal chaos—being disconnected from their emotions while simultaneously feeling overwhelmed by emotional reactivity. ART helps resolve this contradiction by processing the underlying experiences that create this split, allowing for better emotional regulation and more authentic connection.

Brainspotting Integration

Brainspotting accesses the brain's natural ability to heal trauma by identifying specific eye positions that correlate with internal experiences. This gentle yet powerful approach helps release stored trauma and emotional blocks that interfere with healthy relating. My specialized training in this modality allows me to offer clients another pathway to healing when traditional talk therapy approaches haven't been sufficient.

The combination of Brainspotting and relational life therapy is particularly effective for anxious overachievers who intellectually understand relationship concepts but struggle to implement them due to unconscious barriers. This integration helps clients develop both insight and the emotional capacity to create lasting change.

Measuring Progress and Adjusting Treatment

I use detailed measurements throughout our work together to track progress objectively. At approximately 3-6 month intervals, we reassess using the same measures from intake to determine what's improved and where additional work is needed. This data-driven approach provides clients with concrete evidence of their growth and helps maintain motivation for continued change.

This systematic approach ensures that therapy remains focused and effective. We regularly update goals to stay aligned with your evolving needs and priorities, making adjustments to treatment as progress unfolds. Clients appreciate having a clear sense of their development and concrete markers of success.

What to Expect in Ongoing Sessions

Once we've established the foundation through comprehensive assessment, ongoing sessions are customized to your specific needs and goals. Some clients benefit from weekly sessions, while others prefer longer sessions every other week. We can maintain a standing appointment or schedule more flexibly based on your preferences and circumstances.

For many clients, early sessions incorporate ART and Brainspotting work alongside relational life therapy principles. This combination often creates rapid initial progress that motivates continued engagement in the therapeutic process. You can expect an actively engaged therapist who provides both reflection and direction rather than passive listening.

The therapeutic relationship itself becomes a laboratory for practicing new relational skills. I model the direct, compassionate communication that this approach promotes while challenging patterns that limit your growth and connection. Clients often comment on how this active engagement helps them feel truly seen and supported in their healing journey.

The Feedback Wheel: A Unique Communication Tool

One of the most distinctive interventions in relational life therapy is the feedback wheel—a structured communication process that differs significantly from traditional couples therapy approaches. Unlike methods that focus on mutual dialogue and ensuring both partners feel heard, the feedback wheel is designed specifically to allow one partner to address an issue and provide a clear pathway for repair.

The process involves four steps: sharing what you observed, explaining what you made up about it, expressing how you feel about your interpretation, and making a specific request for repair. The listening partner's role is to understand and offer what they can to repair rather than sharing their own perspective or feelings about the situation.

This approach recognizes that not every conversation needs to be a mutual exchange. Sometimes relationships heal more effectively when one partner can simply be heard and receive repair without the conversation becoming about both people's experiences simultaneously. This creates a strong foundation for trust and connection that many couples have never experienced before.

Building Your Support Network

Effective therapy often involves building a comprehensive support network that extends beyond our sessions. I may recommend additional resources to enhance your progress, including:

Educational Resources: Books, podcasts, and articles that deepen your understanding of relationship dynamics and personal growth, helping you develop a better understanding of the principles we're working with.

Peer Support: Groups or communities where you can practice new skills and receive encouragement from others on similar journeys who are interested in creating meaningful connections.

Lifestyle Interventions: Exercise, nutrition, and stress management approaches that support emotional regulation and overall well-being, incorporating elements of acceptance and commitment therapy when relevant.

Professional Collaborations: Working with other professionals like physicians, psychiatrists, or financial advisors when additional expertise supports your goals and overall healing process.

For Mental Health Professionals: Business Coaching Services

In addition to direct clinical services, I offer business coaching for therapists seeking to develop and grow their practices. This specialized service combines my clinical expertise with practical business knowledge to help fellow mental health professionals build sustainable, fulfilling careers as both therapist and coach.

Whether you're starting a private practice, expanding existing services, or navigating the challenges of solo practice ownership, this coaching provides targeted support for the unique intersection of clinical work and business development. My training in both therapeutic work and business development allows me to offer comprehensive guidance for mental health professionals at any stage of their careers.

Taking the Next Step: Beginning Your Journey

If you recognize yourself in these descriptions and you're ready to move beyond talking about problems to actually changing them, relational life therapy may be the approach you've been seeking. The combination of direct methods with trauma-informed interventions creates a powerful pathway to the calm, connected relationships you desire while building lasting self-esteem and confidence.

Located in Roseville, California, I provide in-person services for local clients and secure online sessions throughout California and Texas. The virtual option ensures that geographic location doesn't prevent you from accessing specialized care that fits your needs. Whether you're interested in individual therapy, couples counseling, or intensive work, we can find an approach that works for your situation.

Your intake process begins with completing comprehensive questionnaires that help us understand your unique situation and goals. During our first meeting, we'll develop a personalized treatment plan that addresses both immediate concerns and longer-term relationship aspirations, creating a roadmap for the meaningful connections you're seeking.

For couples, I recommend starting with the understanding that meaningful change typically requires several months of consistent work. The three-month initial commitment allows sufficient time to move through the assessment phase and begin implementing real changes while evaluating whether our approach feels right for your marriage or relationship.

Individual therapy clients often experience significant shifts more quickly, particularly when combining relational life therapy principles with trauma processing approaches. However, lasting change in relationship patterns typically unfolds over months rather than weeks, allowing time for deep healing and sustainable growth.

Moving from Chaos to Calm: Your Relationship Transformation Awaits

You don't have to remain trapped in patterns that leave you feeling disconnected and frustrated. The combination of relational life therapy's practical tools with trauma-informed interventions provides a clear pathway from relationship chaos to genuine connection and calm, creating the strong foundation you need for lasting happiness.

The anxious overachievers I work with often express relief at finally finding an approach that matches their goal-oriented nature while addressing the emotional barriers that have kept them stuck. Rather than endless exploration of problems, this method focuses on solutions and skill-building that create immediate improvements in relationship quality and a deep sense of progress.

If you're tired of the constant internal chaos and ready to build the connected life you deserve, I invite you to take the next step. Through comprehensive assessment, targeted interventions, and practical skill-building, we can transform your relationship patterns and help you access the calm, authentic connection you've been seeking. My passion for this work and extensive training ensure that you receive the highest quality care available.

Your journey toward healthier relationships and inner peace begins with a single decision to invest in change. The tools, support, and expertise you need are available—the question is whether you're ready to use them to create the life and relationships you truly want. Whether you're interested in individual therapy, couples therapy, or intensive work, contact me because meaningful connections and lasting healing are possible.