Relational Life Therapy

Gottman, traditionally, is very focused on skills, but can miss the deeper emotional work. EFT goes deep emotionally, but misses the skills. Neither of these approaches addresses power imbalances or grandiosity, dynamics in relationships that are often incredibly harmful but difficult to root out.

Relational Life Therapy takes this on directly, and you end up with both deep insight and practical tools. In RLT, we’ll confront patterns of entitlement or avoidance, and you’ll be challenged to take responsibility for your own reactions and regulation.

In RLT, we also work on accepting the imperfections of humans and relationships. The fact is, there are certain “bitter pills” in marriage: realities and truths that can be hard to swallow. It can sometimes be lonely or disappointing. RLT doesn’t pretend things will always feel good or easy; instead, it helps you decide what’s workable and what’s not—and then what to do about it.

I ask for a short-term initial commitment, typically at least 3 months. At the end of that period, you can decide whether you want to keep going. Some couples see big changes and move to less frequent sessions as they taper off. Others need more support, but we decide at various checkpoints to make sure things are going in the right direction.

Yes. Change takes work, and most of that work needs to be done outside of our scheduled sessions. I may recommend specific practices or reflections. The audiobook Fierce Intimacy is a favorite resource of mine, and I encourage all couples to listen to it as a primer for our work together.

I can. I use Brainspotting and Accelerated Resolution Therapy to process trauma that is impacting the relationship. At times, I may meet with one individual if both partners are agreeable to it, so as to address the trauma without interfering with your progress as a couple.

I do take sides, and I know this differs from other therapeutic approaches. However, not all problems are 50/50. If there is an imbalance, I will call it out. This is not about ganging up on one partner or the other. While someone often has to go “first,” over time, both partners do their fair share of the work.

Relational Life Therapy sessions are active, engaged, and focused on creating real change in your relationship. Unlike traditional couples therapy where you might spend the entire session talking about problems, RLT sessions are structured to interrupt the patterns that keep you stuck and teach you practical skills to repair and reconnect. I work directly with both of you in the room, often addressing the dynamic as it unfolds right in front of us. This real-time approach means we're not just talking about your conflicts, we're actually working through them together.

In our sessions, you can expect me to be both reflective and directive. I'll help you see the specific patterns and moves each partner makes that escalate conflict and create disconnection. This isn't always a 50-50 split, and I do take sides when needed to help both of you understand how each person contributes to the cycle you're caught in. We'll work on practical skills like the feedback wheel, time-outs, and boundary-setting, but we'll also dig into the deeper reasons those skills feel hard to use. When we hit roadblocks, we address them directly so you can actually be successful at implementing what you're learning.

The work happens both in session and at home. I'll ask you to listen to Terry Real's book Fierce Intimacy and practice the skills we're developing together. Session length is typically a minimum of 80 minutes because this deeper work requires adequate time to process and practice without feeling rushed. Many couples meet every two weeks, which allows time to practice between sessions while maintaining momentum. Throughout our work together, I'm looking at the whole picture of your relationship, including how your family of origin experiences, past traumas, and automatic patterns are showing up in your conflicts today. The goal is always to help you move from disconnection and conflict into genuine intimacy and connection. If you're ready to do this kind of focused, transformative work, reach out to discuss whether RLT is the right fit for your relationship.

It's extremely common for one partner to be more eager about starting therapy while the other feels hesitant, resistant, or even skeptical about whether it will help. This dynamic is actually something we address directly in Relational Life Therapy. Part of my work in the initial phase is amplifying both the negative consequences of not changing and the positive outcomes possible when change happens. This helps create buy-in and commitment, particularly with the more resistant partner.

Often, the resistant partner has valid reasons for their hesitation. They might feel blamed, worried about being ganged up on, or convinced that nothing will change no matter what they try. In RLT, I make sure both partners feel understood and seen. I identify each person's specific moves in your conflict pattern, and I'm direct about how each of you contributes to the cycle. This balanced approach helps the resistant partner understand that therapy isn't about fixing them or proving they're wrong. It's about both of you learning to do your relationship differently.

By the end of our initial assessment phase, couples typically come away feeling like I really get it. Both partners usually feel more motivated to change because they can see the specific dance they're caught in and understand how their relationship could actually be different. The three-month initial commitment I ask for gives us enough time to create meaningful progress and helps both partners stay engaged even when the work feels challenging. If you're the more motivated partner worried about getting your partner on board, or if you're the hesitant partner wondering if this will just be more of the same, I encourage you to reach out. We can discuss your specific concerns and whether RLT might offer a different path forward than what you've experienced before.

The feedback wheel is one of the most powerful and unique tools in Relational Life Therapy, and it works differently than communication techniques you might have tried before. Unlike approaches where both partners share their perspectives and feelings back and forth, the feedback wheel is specifically not a dialogue. Instead, it provides a structured pathway for one partner to bring up an issue and for the other partner to listen, understand, and offer repair.

Here's how it works. The partner bringing the concern shares four specific things: what they saw or heard, what they made up about it, how they feel about what they made up, and what their partner can do to repair. This structure helps you communicate your experience without attacking or blaming, and it makes the implicit thoughts and feelings that drive conflict explicit and workable. The partner listening doesn't share their own feelings or perspective in that moment. Their job is to listen to understand and offer what they can to repair the hurt or disconnection. This might sound counterintuitive if you're used to approaches where both people need to feel heard in the same conversation, but that's exactly what makes the feedback wheel so effective.

The feedback wheel allows one partner to bring a problem and provides their partner with a clear pathway to repair. It interrupts the typical cycle where both people are talking at each other, defending their own position, or trying to prove they're right. Instead, one person gets to be fully heard and understood, and the other person gets to step into generosity and repair. We practice this skill in session, and when we hit barriers to using it successfully, we address those barriers directly so you can actually use the tool at home. The feedback wheel is just one part of the broader RLT approach, but it's a game changer for couples who are tired of communication techniques that haven't worked. If you're interested in learning more about how this structured approach could help you and your partner repair and reconnect, reach out to discuss whether RLT is right for your relationship.

In Relational Life Therapy, both partners attend sessions together because the work focuses on your relationship pattern and how each of you contributes to the dynamic. Unlike individual therapy where you process your own experiences and growth, couples therapy with RLT is about changing the dance between you. That requires both people in the room doing the work together. When I'm identifying your conflict pattern, teaching skills like the feedback wheel, or working through the deeper issues that create barriers to connection, both partners need to be present and engaged.

That said, there are times when individual sessions might be helpful as part of the broader couples work. For example, if one partner has significant trauma history that's impacting the relationship pattern, we might do some focused individual work using approaches like Accelerated Resolution Therapy art or brainspotting. This trauma work is part of Phase 2 of RLT, where we address the past experiences and triggers that prevent change even when you want it. The goal of any individual work is always to support the couples therapy, not to replace it.

The commitment to attend together is part of what makes RLT effective. When both partners show up consistently, practice the skills between sessions, and stay engaged even when the work feels hard, real change becomes possible. I ask for an initial three-month commitment to this work, with sessions typically lasting a minimum of 80 minutes and often scheduled every two weeks. This structure gives us adequate time to assess your pattern, work through the trauma and barriers, and teach the skills that will help you repair and reconnect. If you're both willing to commit to this process and show up for each other in this way, RLT can create the transformation you're looking for. Reach out to discuss logistics and whether this approach is right for your relationship.

Contact me to schedule a free consultation with me. It’s important that you feel comfortable with your counselor, and I’ll help you decide if I’m the right fit for you.