Do Healthy Marriages Actually Exist? (And What They Really Look Like)
Let's get one thing straight: that couple that seems to glide through life effortlessly, never argues, and gets everything they need from each other? They don't exist. Or if they do, they're probably not telling you the whole story.
We've been sold a bill of goods about what marriage should look like, and it's setting us up for disappointment. The truth is, healthy marriages exist, but they look nothing like what we've been told to expect.
What We Thought Healthy Marriage Should Be
Modern marriage comes with an impossible job description. We expect our partners to be our best friend, passionate lover, financial partner, co-parent, therapist, adventure buddy, and emotional support system all rolled into one. We want them to understand us completely, anticipate our needs, and somehow never let us down.
Previous generations had different expectations. Marriage was often about survival, partnership in running a household, and raising children. Love was nice if it happened, but it wasn't the primary requirement. Extended families and communities provided much of the emotional and social support we now expect exclusively from our spouse.
Today, we've put all our relational eggs in one basket and wonder why it feels so heavy.
What Healthy Marriage Actually Looks Like
Healthy marriages include loneliness. They include disappointment. They include challenging moments that don't get resolved with a heartfelt conversation and a hug. Some problems in your relationship will never be solved—they'll just be managed better over time.
A healthy marriage means speaking up when something isn't working, even when it's uncomfortable. It means grieving the parts of your partner that will never change, the dreams that won't come true, and the ways your relationship falls short of the fantasy you had in your head.
Most importantly, healthy marriage requires what I call "relationship reckoning"—honestly assessing whether you're getting enough of what you need and want to make peace with what you'll never get. It's asking yourself the matter-of-fact question: Is what I'm receiving worth what I'm giving up to stay in this relationship?
The Modern Marriage Dilemma
We demand more from our partners than any generation before us, but we haven't been given the tools to navigate these increased expectations. We're working with a blueprint designed for a different kind of partnership, trying to build something our grandparents never attempted.
The result? We struggle to tolerate normal relationship disappointments. We interpret our partner's inability to meet all our needs as a personal failing or a sign that we're with the wrong person. We expect constant emotional attunement and get frustrated when our partner has their own needs, bad days, or limitations.
Building Realistic Relationship Expectations
Healthy relationships require you to develop your own emotional regulation skills rather than expecting your partner to manage your feelings for you. They require you to maintain friendships, hobbies, and interests outside your marriage so you're not asking one person to be your entire world.
A good marriage includes conflict—not because something is wrong, but because two different people are trying to build a life together. The goal isn't to eliminate disagreements but to fight better, repair faster, and learn from the process.
The Grief Work of Real Love
One of the hardest parts of mature love is grieving what your partner cannot give you. Maybe they're not as emotionally expressive as you'd like. Maybe they'll never be the adventure partner you imagined. Maybe they handle stress differently than you do.
Healthy couples learn to grieve these losses without making their partner wrong for being who they are. They find ways to get some of their needs met elsewhere—through friends, hobbies, or personal growth—while appreciating what their partner does bring to the relationship.
Moving Forward with Reality
Accepting that your partner is imperfect doesn't mean settling for a relationship that doesn't work. It means getting realistic about what any one person can provide and making conscious choices about what matters most to you.
Some couples discover that once they stop expecting perfection, they can actually enjoy what they have. Others realize that the gap between their needs and what their partner can provide is too large to bridge.
Both responses are valid. The key is making these decisions based on reality rather than fantasy.
Your marriage doesn't have to look like anyone else's to be healthy. It just has to work for the two people in it—imperfections, disappointments, and all.
Ready to build more realistic expectations for your relationship? Whether you're working through disappointment or learning to appreciate what you have, individual and couples therapy can help you navigate these complex emotions and decisions. I work with couples both in-person in Roseville, CA and online throughout California and Texas. My approach focuses on practical, effective interventions that create real change quickly. For information about scheduling and investment, feel free to reach out.