Why Equitable Marriages Create Stronger, Happier Relationships (And How to Build One)

Written By Audrey Schoen

Let's talk about something that might surprise you: nearly 70% of divorces are initiated by women, according to research from the American Sociological Association. Among college-educated women, that number jumps to a staggering 90%. But before you start thinking this is about pointing fingers or assigning blame, stick with me. This statistic actually reveals something profound about what makes relationships thrive — and it's not what you might expect.

The answer isn't found in who's "right" or "wrong," but rather in understanding how equity in marriage creates stronger bonds, deeper intimacy, and relationships that actually get better over time. And trust me, when I say equity benefits everyone involved, I mean everyone.

The Real Story Behind Divorce Statistics

When I work with couples in my Roseville office or through online sessions across California and Texas, I often see the same patterns playing out. It's rarely about one dramatic moment or a single relationship-ending event. Instead, it's usually about the slow accumulation of imbalance — the gradual erosion of feeling valued, supported, and truly seen by your partner.

Research consistently shows that women are more likely to initiate divorce for several key reasons, and they all point back to equity issues. Women often report feeling like they're carrying the emotional labor of the relationship, managing not just household tasks but the mental load of remembering, planning, and orchestrating family life. They describe feeling like the relationship manager while their partner gets to be more of a participant.

But what's fascinating is that this isn't necessarily about gender — it's about patterns we fall into and how we can consciously create something different.

What Marriage Actually Gives Us (And Why It Matters)

Marriage provides significant benefits for both partners, but research suggests men, on average, tend to benefit more from marriage than women. Married men typically live longer, report better health, earn more money, and have stronger social networks. They often receive crucial emotional support through their marriage that they might not cultivate elsewhere.

For women, the benefits of marriage are much more closely tied to the quality of the relationship itself. A happy, equitable marriage provides tremendous benefits. But a marriage where she feels undervalued or overburdened? Not so much.

This isn't about women being "harder to please" — it's about recognizing that when someone is consistently giving more than they're receiving, the relationship becomes unsustainable for them, regardless of gender.

The Emotional Labor Divide

One of the biggest factors in relationship dissatisfaction is what researchers call emotional labor — the invisible work of managing relationships, remembering important dates, checking in on family members, planning social activities, and keeping track of everyone's needs and schedules.

In my practice, I see couples where one partner (often the woman) has somehow become the designated relationship manager. She's the one who remembers to buy birthday gifts, schedules date nights, initiates conversations about problems, and keeps track of extended family obligations. Meanwhile, her partner appreciates these efforts but doesn't necessarily see them as work that needs to be shared.

The challenge is that emotional labor is often invisible until it's not being done. When the relationship manager gets overwhelmed or starts pulling back, suddenly everyone notices. But by then, resentment has often built up on both sides.

Financial Stress and Partnership Dynamics

Money disagreements are another major factor in relationship dissatisfaction. But it's rarely just about the dollars and cents — it's about what money represents in terms of partnership, priorities, and shared decision-making.

In equitable relationships, financial decisions are made together, with both partners having input regardless of who earns more. Each person's contributions — whether financial or otherwise — are valued and discussed openly. When this breaks down, it often reflects broader issues around respect and partnership.

I work with many entrepreneurs and high-achieving professionals who understand partnership in their work lives but somehow lose that collaborative spirit at home. The same skills that make you successful professionally — clear communication, shared goals, mutual respect — are exactly what create thriving marriages.

The Commitment Question

Lack of commitment shows up in many forms, and it's not always as obvious as infidelity (though that's certainly part of it). Sometimes it's about emotional commitment — the willingness to do the ongoing work of relationship maintenance and growth.

In relational life therapy, we talk about the difference between harmony and intimacy. Harmony is when everything runs smoothly, but intimacy requires the willingness to engage with conflict, have difficult conversations, and work through challenges together. True commitment means showing up for both.

When one partner consistently avoids difficult conversations or expects the other person to manage relationship problems solo, it sends a message about their level of investment. And that's where relationships start to break down.

What Equitable Marriages Actually Look Like

Equitable doesn't mean identical. It doesn't mean you split every single task 50/50 or that you both have to approach things exactly the same way. Instead, equitable marriages are characterized by several key elements:

Shared Mental Load

Both partners are aware of what needs to happen and take initiative. One person isn't the default manager for household, social, or family responsibilities.

Mutual Recognition

Each person's contributions are seen, acknowledged, and valued. This includes financial contributions, household work, emotional support, and everything in between.

Flexible Responsiveness

Sometimes life requires one partner to carry more weight temporarily — during busy work periods, health challenges, or major life transitions. In equitable relationships, this balance shifts naturally without building resentment.

Open Communication

Partners talk openly about expectations, frustrations, and needs. They don't expect each other to read minds or just figure things out.

Shared Decision-Making

Major decisions are made together, with both perspectives valued and considered.

Why This Benefits Everyone

When I work with couples on creating more equitable partnerships, I consistently see the same results: both partners end up happier, more satisfied, and more deeply connected.

Men in equitable marriages often report feeling closer to their partners, having better communication, and experiencing less conflict at home. They're not walking on eggshells wondering why their partner seems frustrated, because issues get addressed directly rather than building up over time.

Women in equitable marriages report higher levels of relationship satisfaction, better physical and mental health outcomes, and greater overall life satisfaction. When you feel truly supported and valued in your primary relationship, it impacts every other area of your life.

The Connection Factor

In my work using approaches like Brainspotting and Accelerated Resolution Therapy, I often help individuals process the deep hurt that comes from feeling unseen or undervalued in their most important relationship. But I've also seen how quickly things can shift when couples start making real changes toward equity.

True intimacy grows out of feeling known and valued by your partner. When both people are actively contributing to the relationship's success — not just participating in it — you create space for deeper connection, better communication, and yes, better physical intimacy too (including more frequent and more satisfying sex).

Beyond Household Chores

This conversation goes way beyond who does the dishes or takes out the trash. It's about creating a partnership where both people feel like they're on the same team, working toward shared goals, and supporting each other's growth and wellbeing.

In relational life therapy, we focus on moving from a model of "you and me" to "us against the problem." When couples can make that shift — when they stop keeping score and start working together — everything changes.

This might mean having honest conversations about current patterns, acknowledging where things feel out of balance, and making concrete changes to how you operate as a team. It might mean learning new communication skills or addressing underlying resentments that have built up over time.

The Practical Side of Change

Creating more equity in your relationship isn't about dramatic overhauls or finger-pointing sessions. It usually starts with awareness and small, consistent changes that build over time.

Start by noticing what's actually happening in your relationship. Who typically initiates conversations about problems? Who remembers and manages social obligations? Who takes the lead on planning and organizing? This isn't about judgment — it's about awareness.

Then have honest conversations about how you both want things to work. What would feel more balanced? Where do you each want more support? What would help you both feel more valued and appreciated?

Make specific, concrete changes rather than hoping things will just naturally shift. If emotional labor has been unevenly distributed, create systems that support more balance. If decision-making has been one-sided, establish new patterns for collaboration.

When Professional Help Makes Sense

Sometimes couples need support in making these changes, especially if patterns have been established for years or if resentment has built up over time. That's completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

In my practice, I use approaches that help couples get to the root of issues quickly rather than just talking around the same problems week after week. Techniques like Accelerated Resolution Therapy can help process old hurts and resentments that might be blocking progress, while Brainspotting can address the deeper emotional patterns that keep couples stuck in unproductive cycles.

The goal isn't perfect balance all the time — it's creating a relationship where both people feel valued, supported, and heard. Where you're both actively invested in each other's wellbeing and the health of your partnership.

Your Relationship Investment

Building an equitable marriage is like any other worthwhile investment — it requires attention, intention, and consistent effort from both people. But the return on that investment is profound: deeper intimacy, greater satisfaction, better communication, and a partnership that actually supports both people in becoming their best selves.

The statistics about divorce don't have to be discouraging. They can be a wake-up call about the importance of creating relationships built on mutual respect, shared responsibility, and genuine partnership.

Whether you're newlyweds figuring out your patterns or a couple who's been together for decades, it's never too early or too late to move toward greater equity. Your relationship — and both of you as individuals — will be stronger for it.

Remember, this work isn't about perfection. It's about progress, awareness, and the willingness to keep showing up for each other in more meaningful ways. And that's something any couple can choose to pursue, starting today.

If you're ready to explore how to create a more equitable, satisfying relationship, I'm here to help. I work with couples both in-person in Roseville, CA and online throughout California and Texas. My approach focuses on practical, effective interventions that create real change quickly. For information about scheduling and investment, feel free to reach out. I also provide superbills for potential insurance reimbursement using out-of-network benefits.

Sources and Research References

Audrey Schoen
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