The Real Reason Birth Rates Are Declining: A Couples Therapist's Perspective
How Inequity at Home Is Driving Family Planning Decisions
There has been a lot of talk about the declining birth rate in America, the reasons behind it and some rather misguided ideas about how to bring the number up. So I figured. As a couples therapist with over a decade of experience, and 2 kids of my own, I’d give my 2 cents on the subject.
When mothers find themselves solo parenting in rooms with children clamoring for their attention, while fathers mysteriously find time to watch three extra hours of TV per week alone, it's not exactly a ringing endorsement for the joys of parenthood.
The statistics paint a picture that's about as appealing as a diaper blowout in a car seat on a hot summers day. Let's connect the dots:
When women have children, they suddenly find themselves doing 2.6 times more housework and childcare than men, according to UN reports. Meanwhile, fathers think doing 35% of the domestic work is the pinnacle of fairness. I'm no mathematician, but that leaves... checks notes... a whole lot of percentage points unaccounted for.
(What’s even more interesting. When women are doing about 66% of the domestic labor, they report feeling like things are pretty balanced… WTAF. We are colluding in our own demise)
Back to that gap. Where are those percentage points going? Apparently to fathers watching "The Last of Us" in solitary peace while mothers are simultaneously helping with homework, making dinner, and mentally scheduling the family's dental appointments for the next decade.
Is it any wonder fertility rates are plummeting?
The Real Reason for the Birthrate Decline: A Therapist's Perspective
It's not just statistics and studies. As a therapist who has worked with men, women, and couples for over a decade, I see this reality up close and personal. And as a mother, wife, and woman who owns a business (or two) who chose to stop having kids after my twins were born, despite the desire to have more children, I've lived it firsthand.
And let me say loud and clear: I don't blame men. It's not men's fault. It's the culture we live in that has sold us all a lie.
Men are ill-equipped for the demands of modern marriage and parenthood. Women are ineffective at communicating our needs. Our culture did not train us for modern marriage and parenting. The old paradigms no longer work. We need to update them, and it will require a major cultural shift for us all.
Women are choosing not to have kids (or more kids) on purpose. The thought of having more (or any) kids feels physically and emotionally crushing. And no, a cash bonus isn't going to make a dent in this decision.
What would help? Maybe start by subsidizing childcare. Equal parental leave for both parents. Pelvic floor therapy as routine care for a lifetime. Actual support for both parents to tend to childcare needs.
Instead, women are left to carry the load. The ever-increasingly heavy load. While often also working part or full-time, they're stuck on a never-ending hamster wheel of:
Laundry and dishes
Tracking changing household needs (toilet paper, anyone?)
Medical care for the family, including the spouse
Managing the finances (are we on budget?)
Summer camp research and registration
Monitoring kids' growth, clothing needs, bathing schedules, food intake (did our daughter poop today?)
Even when tasks are delegated, the tracking and managing often falls on mom. When did we run the vacuum last? Did the kids grow out of their clothes again?
All to the soundtrack of "mom where is my barbie, mom I'm thirsty, mom wipe my butt, mommy I need you, mom he is looking at me funny, mom, momma, mommy, MOM…"
Where is dad? Oh... sitting on the couch, next to the kids, looking at his phone again.
"I just want to take a shit alone again someday." - every mom ever.
Oh crap, it's 7:30, the lunches haven’t been packed and we are late starting bedtime routine, again...
The Cold Hard Math of Family Life
The sad reality is that many women look at parenthood and see a second shift that never ends. They're working full-time jobs only to come home to what amounts to another full-time job—except this one doesn't offer health insurance, paid time off, or even a lunch break without someone asking for a bite of your sandwich.
Two working parent households are supposed to be the most equitable. Yet mothers still spend more time engaging in work or care tasks while men spend more time in leisure than their partners.
One parent working outside the home? The stay-at-home parent spends the most hours working between them, while their partner enjoys more leisure time than they ever will.
Part-time working moms have the worst deal of all. They spend the most hours engaged in work or care tasks compared to the other two options, while their partners enjoy the most leisure time.
And let's talk about that mental load. It's not just about the doing—it's about the remembering, planning, and coordinating. It's remembering that Tuesday is crazy sock day at school while simultaneously tracking which kid needs new shoes and who has an allergy appointment next month. Meanwhile, Dad gets a parade thrown in his honor for remembering to pick up milk on the way home. Once. After being asked three times.
The Freedom to Just Walk Away
Fathers can simply announce "I'm heading out" and leave—whether for a quick store run or a week-long trip. No explanation needed, no systems to manage, nothing but himself to think about. Meanwhile, mothers orchestrate elaborate handovers involving meal schedules, medication timing, homework supervision, activity logistics, and the location of every essential item ("the backup sippy cups are behind the blender, Thursday is crazy socks day, there's extra toilet paper in the hall closet, don't forget gymnastics is Tuesday not Wednesday this week").
The mental load doesn't pause when mom leaves; it intensifies. As the primary parent, mom mentally holds all the details. She prepares detailed instructions, anticipates potential problems, pre-cooks meals, and remains on call for inevitable questions about where things are kept or how basic household tasks are performed. "I left for a girls weekend for the first time in years," one mom shared, "and spent an hour explaining what goes in each kids lunch box, and where to find their socks. Followed by a constant stream of text questions about routines that had gone on around him for years." It’s not uncommon for mothers to return from a trip to a sink full of dishes, piles or dirty laundry, and un-emptied days old lunch boxes… gross.
The Revolution Begins at Home
Thing is, we shouldn't have to choose between having kids and maintaining our sanity. We shouldn't have to pick between a career and a family. We shouldn't have to decide if we want a partner or if we want a roommate who occasionally changes a diaper.
The solution isn't just systemic change (though we desperately need that). The revolution begins at home, with men and women taking responsibility for dismantling inequity one household at a time.
For women, this means speaking up with loving firmness. No more quiet resentment while folding your partner's underwear at midnight. No more martyrdom while scheduling doctor's appointments during your lunch break. No more silently seething while your partner announces they're "babysitting" their own children for an hour. Or blowing up at your partner when it’s all just too much.
For men, it means turning off the TV. Putting down the phone. Carrying their share of the mental and physical load without being asked, reminded, or praised for doing so. It means seeing the mess, noticing the empty toilet paper roll, remembering the pediatrician appointment, and handling it—not because they were asked to, but because it's their responsibility too.
In my practice as a therapist, I've seen the principles of Relational Life Therapy make huge differences for couples struggling with these exact issues. RLT, developed by Terry Real, addresses these imbalances head-on with a no-nonsense approach that helps couples break through outdated gender roles.
RLT teaches that relationship health requires both partners to be equally invested in maintaining the relationship and the home. It focuses on:
Moving from a "me" to a "we" perspective: Seeing family responsibilities as shared rather than divvied up along gender lines.
Practicing fierce intimacy: Communicating honestly about needs and frustrations instead of building resentment.
Embracing the concept of "relational esteem": Valuing the relationship as much as individual desires and recognizing that when one partner is chronically overburdened, the relationship itself suffers.
Ending the "grandiosity/shame" spiral: Where one partner feels entitled to leisure while the other feels responsible for everything, creating a toxic dynamic of resentment and disconnection.
Through this framework, I've watched couples transform their relationships. Fathers who once believed loading the dishwasher was "helping" now plan birthday parties and know their kids' shoe sizes. Mothers who once believed they had to do everything perfectly now trust their partners to handle things their own way—even if it's not exactly how they would do it.
These changes don't happen overnight. They require tough conversations, vulnerability, and both partners being willing to examine uncomfortable truths about themselves and their relationship. But when they happen, the results are extraordinary.
Couples report more intimacy, better sex (turns out resentment isn't an aphrodisiac), more harmony in the home, and—here's the kicker—a renewed openness to the idea of having or expanding their family.
Because when parenthood feels like a shared adventure rather than a prison sentence, people are a lot more willing to embark on it.
So yes, policy changes are needed. But while we wait for those (and push for them), the revolution begins with us. With tough conversations. With renegotiated expectations. With men stepping up and women stepping back.
Because our children—the ones we have and the ones we might choose to have—are watching. And they deserve to see what true partnership looks like.
Take the Next Step Toward a Healthier Relationship
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Let’s connect for a free consultation to talk about where you are and what you want next. Taking that first step can feel hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. Reach out today and let’s work together toward the relationship you deserve.